Healing Through Connection Retreat 4th- 7th May 2023

It was a real honour to facilitate this sold out retreat with my great friend Natalie Hirst of Wild Soul Nurture. I am very grateful to her, for supporting me and the participants to hold such a safe and strong container for this work, to Mary and Jay of Bryansford Cottage, who looked after us all so well with delicious food and endless supplies of teas and iced water and, most importantly, to the participants, who showed up with such courage, authenticity and presence.

The theme of this retreat was connection because, what I see, in those I work with, is that at the root of what so many of us struggle with, is disconnection: from the self; from our bodies; from the present moment; from the natural world; and from life. This retreat was an invitation to connect more deeply with self because, as Brené Brown, in her beautiful book Atlas of the Heart, says “Our connection with others can only be as deep as our connection with ourselves. If I don’t know and understand who I am and what I need, want and believe, I can’t share myself with you”. Connection to self is our natural state. In fact, from an evolutionary perspective, it is a necessity. As Gabor Maté asks, just how long would we survive out there in the wild if we weren’t connected to our gut instincts, to our authenticity? But disconnection, for many of us, also becomes a survival strategy. If at some point (usually in infancy or early childhood) we weren’t emotionally held in the way we needed to be or were left alone with emotions that were overwhelming, disconnection becomes the only option. Rather than making disconnection from self wrong, we can be curious about it and begin to understand why it happened. This brings self-compassion (rather than frustration or judgement) and brings us closer to ourselves. As Janina Fisher says “Alienation from self can be adaptive genius:  if we disown the part of ourselves holding the pain of rejection or the abuse, or distance from the part that was too emotional or too free-spirited to be tolerated in our families, then we can bring to the table just those aspects of self that are acceptable in that environment, parts that can win any available crumbs of attachment or praise”.

We used Compassionate Inquiry in the group sessions to explore safety, connection, triggers, childhood trauma (small t and big T) and the impact childhood events can have on us as adults. Perhaps most powerful was the understanding that it isn’t just what happened but often what was missing (e.g. emotional attunement) that can have the greatest impact. Or that, as trauma is what happens inside of us, rather than the event, seemingly fairly minor events from the adult perspective can be very significant for the child, particularly if they were left alone with the experience. The power of the group, where each person has the opportunity to share and be heard by others, meant we could go much deeper than when working one-to-one and I was very moved by the willingness of the participants to share themselves so openly and vulnerably with strangers. Gabor says that “Some of you will share more about yourself in front of these ‘strangers’ than you do with people in your actual lives. That’s because of the power and safety of the group”.

Alongside the group work we used some simple and powerful tools and practices to support connection to self and to the present moment: sharing circles; dyads (listening work in pairs); noble silence; yoga nidra (yogic sleep, a practice of deep relaxation and rest); mindful movement; meditation; nature connection in Tollymore Forest Park; cold water immersion in the beautiful Shimna River; and a sound bath, facilitated by my friend and colleague, Kevin Young. Gabor defines the purpose of therapy (and I would say, of healing) as helping people to connect to the truth of themselves in the present moment. The purpose of these tools and practices was to minimise distractions and to invite participants to deepen their awareness of the thoughts, emotions and sensations arising within them so that we could explore these. What is arising in the present moment versus what is old and familiar (and therefore from the past)? What is really happening versus our perception of what is happening? How were our perceptions created and how can we develop response flexibility i.e. the ability to respond in the present moment rather than reacting from the past? Or, how can we be free, to be our true selves?

And if all this sounds very serious, it is, but we also had a lot of fun too. Playfulness and laughter is a very important part of healing. It brings lightness to what can be difficult work and it reinforces safety. We can only be playful and enjoy laughter and humour when our brains are in social engagement mode i.e. when we are relaxed and perceive ourselves as being safe and connected to others. As Stephen Porges says “Safety isn’t the absence of threat. It is the presence of connection” and laughing around the fire on the final evening was as important for healing and connection as the deeper work done in the groups sessions.

I’ll finish with the words of one of the participants, Judith, from County Down, who says about the retreat “Aisling, I just can’t find the words to say how grateful I am for this healing retreat. I released something very, very deep and buried in me. Words are inadequate to explain how beneficial I found it and how grateful I am. You led the group & I to see how we can let go & process injuries from the past which may be impacting on our current wellbeing. I had revelation after revelation when I was there. I can't recommend this retreat enough for anyone who wants to heal and experience a renewed life force.”